It doesn't do anything to get mad when people don't do what you want them to, or understand, or change. No one really cares about anyone else more than themselves, so they're unlikely to do or change something that doesn't benefit them, especially if it takes effort. The only person I can really change is myself and that only with God's help.
That said, I find now (sitting in church when someone affiliated with MCA was there) I still have a lot of anger and resentment toward those who could have done something to help me last year and chose either to do nothing or to actively work against me. I have to admit, the thought of revenge is tempting, but I wouldn't want to do something that would really ruin someone's life (like the First Wives' Club book).
So...what about anger and hatred? I think I do hate some of the people from last year, but not enough to ruin their lives. But Jesus said hating your brother is as good as murdering him. It doesn't seem fair. Their carelessness, neglect, and outright bad actions ruined my life last year and put a blot on my resume. Why can't I just dislike or hate them? I'm not *doing* anything to hurt them, or *not* doing something that would help them -- not like they did to me.
And I know. It doesn't hurt them to hate them, it only hurts me. It keeps me from developing as a person. And I thought I had moved on with this new school, etc. Maybe I haven't yet. I didn't realize how much resentment I still had until I saw this person in church who could have helped me and did nothing; in fact, who basically told me to "suck it up and deal with it". I know all the little textbook answers as to why I should forgive and move on, and I know I haven't been hurt as much as others. It doesn't make a difference to me; that's "head" knowledge, and I'm angry in my "heart". Maybe just venting gets it out.
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Sometimes a choice made based on reason and conscience takes a long time to master the reality of our feelings. It's the choice, followed by sincere effort and prayer that matters.
Okay, that sounds preachy. It's what I try to tell myself though, and it seems to help.
Another facet in this painful process is something I didn't understand for many years.
We do, as Barry stated need at some point to make a choice to forgive a person that has wronged us. Yet, at the same time, we ourselves have a lot of pain and anger because of this person. We can reason that we are hurting ourselves by "hanging on to something", and be prompted by our conscience that we need to forgive. That’s fine, as far as it goes. There is something else we need to make sure we include in our effort to forgive, and that is the power of prayer. It can't simply be intellectual forgiveness; it needs to be spiritual as well. In fact, it's kind of impossible to really forgive someone without the power of the Holy Spirit to help us. We make the choice, and the Holy Spirit gives the strength to follow through with that choice.
However, forgiveness does not mean that the hurt will instantly go away, or the anger, for that matter. We will not instantly feel like we have forgiven. It's just like a physical injury...it takes time to heal. We will still feel pain, anger and helplessness.
What forgiveness does for us is threefold:
First, we are relinquishing our "control" of this person, which we don't have anyway - we are taking them off our "hook", and putting them on God’s “hook”. We can’t possibly deal with justice, or revenge, or punishment for this person. God can. As long as we keep them on our hook, we are not allowing God to deal with this person. He DID say “vengeance is Mine”. He can sure do a lot more to, or with a person than we can. Of course, he may convert them, too.
Secondly, we keep from descending from anger into bitterness and hatred. Resentment arises from a feeling of injustice.
Bitterness is harbored resentment (“it’s so unfair” “why me”) this is dangerous, as the person is choosing not to give up their resentment, and want it to grow and fester.
Anger, is an emotion that is prompted by circumstance, or remembered hurt. Hatred is harbored anger, resentment and is very destructive to the person is dwells in. Hatred builds on bitterness and becomes an all consuming passion.
Going back to the “wound” illustration”, it’s like picking off the scab and rubbing in some salt, or ripping out a stitch every day, and having to have it re-sewn. There is no healing going on here!
Thirdly, once we have put the person on God’s hook, He can then begin the healing process in our own lives. In fact, that is what we need to ask for in our prayer of forgiveness. We can’t begin to heal until this happens. It doesn’t mean the other person is reconciled, or has admitted wrong, or apologized. In fact, sometimes that’s not even a safe option, depending on the circumstances. That isn’t necessary. What is necessary is that we allow God to do what he wants to do so badly, and that is to heal us.
Wounds don’t heal instantly. If you bump them, they hurt. When they heal they leave scars, and if they are big and you bump them, that can hurt, too. God didn’t promise no scars, he promised healing. For now…When he wipes away all tears, I like to think that this is the time when all the hurts, the ills, all the scars from a life lived on this sinful world will be completely be eradicated. “No more pain or sorrow” is the promise. Remember, Jesus has scars too. We cause Him pain. I sure hope He has no more pain at the end of days like as we will.
So…”let it go” has some validity, but not how the world means it. Handing it to God, and realizing that it is too much for us is really letting go. “Give it to God” has become a catch phrase for Christians to say to people instead of “suck it up”, or “let it go”. There is much more to it. It’s not instant, you can’t just add water. Forgiveness is a process, just as healing is a process; physical, mental, or spiritual.
Another “facet” to the relation to God in all this is that we are the jewels that he is making, diamonds in the rough. A jewel is not given beautiful facets by rubbing with a soft cloth. Sometimes they are chipped, or split from the dross stone they reside in. Then, they have to be ground, and then polished with abrasives. We are being polished, too. Sometimes life can get pretty abrasive. We may also have qualities that need to be chip away for the more beautiful self, filled by Christ’s character may shine through. It can be very painful at times. God’s promise is that He will never leave nor forsake us. This can be a healing balm for us when we turn to Him in our struggles
So, yes, we are hurting ourselves by not forgiving. But what we are really doing is keeping God out of the situation, and not allowing Him to heal our hurts.
I realize I have “gone on” at some length here. I struggled with this concept for a long time. In my readings, and in counsel from Christian friends, I have begun to understand these things. Of course, none of us are perfect at practicing perfectly things we learn. However, understanding something is half the battle.
Thanks Don. You elaboration was quite appropriate.
I figured you'd say something, Daddy. I know my "fuss" is small compared to what others have had to deal with, but that doesn't make it any less small to me!
Thank you for your thoughts...
I appreciate being able to post this here...I know it's not "great religious thoughts" but it is something I am struggling with, and it's good to have a forum where people can respond without judgment. Too many people around here affiliated with MCA for me to talk about it to.
When it's YOUR "fuss" it doesn't feel small...
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